Detroit scored in every inning it batted.
Baltimore, determined not to make a scene, scored in none.
The Orioles produced three hits, enough to confirm that the team had brought bats but not enough to explain why.
By the second inning, Detroit led 5–0 and the game ceased to be a contest. It became a long administrative process with hot dogs.
The Tigers continued scoring out of politeness.
One run in the third. Two in the fourth. Another in the fifth. Every inning arrived carrying a small parcel of misery for Baltimore.
By the sixth, even Detroit’s celebrations had become apologetic.
Eduardo Valencia hit two home runs. Gleyber Torres drove in five. Kevin McGonigle had four hits.
Baltimore’s most consistent performer was zero, which appeared in all nine innings.
The Orioles did manage a sliding catch at one point. Both dugouts agreed it was lovely.
Detroit finished with 19 hits and 14 runs. Baltimore finished with three hits and some information to process privately.
It was the Orioles’ worst shutout defeat since 2004, meaning history was not made.
It was merely taken down from the attic, dusted and allowed to walk around the house.
The final out came after two hours and 27 minutes, at which point the teams shook hands.
This felt generous of Detroit.
The Orioles play again tomorrow because baseball believes suffering should be given a regular start time.